Part 10 oh well.

 Though I was going to carry one. I find I now cannot. But decided to share the bit I did write beforehand. Thankfully due to canceling their trip, they now are saving from reading this drivel. and having to endure months of therapy. So with that, Here is the last of my alternative diary. 

We are firmly in the up direction mostly because it got harder to row. 

Jess has informed me the UK has got more wibbly-wobbly. Which is a technical term for a jagged coastline. 

With that info, we think we are about to cross over to Scotland. The magic eight ball informs us to ask again later. 

. Charlie lost a bet the other day. Proving once again that the Magic eight ball does not in fact float. So please send another. At the moment the sea bed is starting to look like a giant pool table. 

Steph has been pondering the Wibbly wobbly shoreline. Wondering to get rid of it all with a straight line. Mostly because after consulting the runes and asking a passing druid in a sailboat his opinion, he informed us that if we hugged the shoreline, it would take us about 7 years to complete. 

Now we are really Op north we have found the waters are getting more hilly Not only that but we rowed past a pod of dolphins and Charlie swore they were shouting ‘Check out that mad bampot squeak!

Also, I think Archibald is turning into a puffin.  Because he is starting to sound like a drunk cow. 

Now we are crossing to foreign waters. Because since writing this Scotland has got its independence. 

We have decided to have a bit of a clear-out, after compiling a load of extras and sovienners. In truth, it is making the boat slower. And we are about to get to the Scotland Sea immigration office so anything that looks English needs to go.

Our cabin is getting a little cramped. And it was a good idea to do a stock take of what items we have. Not including the food, clothes, first aid box, 18th-century Scuba gear, navigation equipment, 90000 rolls of toilet paper, a science lab, Archibald’s knitted jumpers, A load of limited edition Steven Redgrave dolls still in their boxes, spare oars, Mr. Runny grunts the bucket and half a mermaid. 

Song of the day from the little mermaid. 

Look at this stuff,

look at this gear

Why are we keeping this octopus ear

Wouldn’t you think we’re the team 

The team that has everything

 

Look at this tripe

here on this boat

I am surprised we all can still float

Wouldn’t you think we’re the team

The team that has everything

We have driftwood amounting to plenty

We are duckies of yellow and pink

You want flip-flops? We have twenty

No deal! Yes, it is. We could sink

We were only stopped for an hour by the immigration officers. 

In fact, we passed with flying colours after they said Awa' an bile yer heid’ Which is a term of endearment. And Charlie who had ‘Haud yer wheesht’ shouted at her which she took as a chat-up line.

And so we end. I am sure at some point the girls may have met pirates, Mermaids, the loch ness monsters cousin, and a hoard of Vikings. Along with Archibald appearing on spring watch. Who knows. I don't because I did not write that bit, which is a shame really because I had a lot of fun. 

Anyway, I will keep this up for a few months and then forget my password and the fact i have written it. 

VERY BAD NEWS

 Message from the crew.

It brings great sadness and the general annoyance of the stupid British summer that our wonderful girls are having to cut short their amazing work. 
Spending months, planning, getting sponsorship, and training like hell. 
This brings them great sadness to have to give it up. But safety is foremost and we are proud of our girls to make that decision. 
'During the recovery in extreme weather conditions, we lost a vital piece of safety equipment and due to this are unable to continue with our row. We’re all feeling very low and disappointed about this outcome after all the time/training/fundraising etc we have thrown at this challenge.' I have decided to carry on for a bit with my alternative diary. Maybe ending it with a mermaid or something.

part 9 alternative diary

  

We are now rowing towards the up direction more every day, and our accents have changed a bit.

Steph said it's Baltic out today, put Archibald int' 'ole, love, it's blowing ta gale. Then she started to refer to all of us as slummock.

After the small mutiny and telling Steph to stop playing silly buggers. We carried on with the up or 'op’ north direction. And it wasn’t long before the wonderful slights of Blackpool pleasure beach, The iridescent lights twinkling, neon flashes. And the Blackpool tower.

Lia pointed out that it wasn’t what she thought it looked like. She swore that the Blackpool tower did not have the words ‘The Douglas Complex’ printed on the side. And that she was sure it was on land. Nor could she remember a bunch of rather annoyed men shouting out it being out of bounds and a strange smell of oil. Which we blamed on Andrea’s cooking.

the song of the day was Zed Leppelin

Edit. I mean Led Zeppelin. 

Part 8 alternative diary

 At last we think we have found Wales. Mostly because we ended up in Gloucestershire, after rowing up the sea known as the Severn. Which was in fact a river. The mallard ducks and lilies should have given the game away but Skipper Jess swore they were in fact Gannets and seaweed.

After a quick ice-cream and an argument with a Pedalo shaped like a swan, we set back they way we came but backwards, Mostly because we couldn’t remember how to turn around.



It's been a few days since I have spoken to you. We passed a Cardigan, along with some other knitted items that fell off a ship. Andrea has been fashioning a pullover out of one of the items as Archibald is losing his feathers. I think he has decided to give up flying.
We have now realised once again that Jess had had problems with the route. And the problem was that North Ireland was going to be a bit tricky to row through. Mostly because its land and you cannot row a row boat in land. We know, because we tried.
So, with this news our idea is to row really fast around the Isle of Man four times in a bid to make them feel less left out.

Rowing has been hard.  Because it's now uphill.
We have run out of sea-themed topics.
At the moment Steph is wondering who Gordon Bennet is.

Charlie wonders if Womble's music is as popular today as when her mum was young. Who not only had the album. But used to go to a Womble convention in Leeds. She dressed us as Orinoco.


Actually, the girls are Wombles because they want to make the oceans cleaner

Song of the day was Wombles theme tune

Undersea, over sea. Wombles are we
Raising the funds for a good charity
Cleaning the oceans because it is a mess
Shame we are lost most the time due to Jess

Part 7 alternative diary

 

After listening to radio Luxenberg on the mobile phone, Lia decided to watch the boat that rocked and thought that it sounds like a plan. Though we have suspicions about her taking it too literary

dressin' to the sky like cap'n 'ook means she be now unable to row.

 An' 'ave decided from now on to talk like a gentleman o' fortune, with the likes o' arr arr, arr, matey, an' avast ye an' other strange stuff. I can see there bein' mutiny. She 'as started to refer to us as bilge-sucklings an' started to sin' somethin' called a chantey. Which was actually the theme song to Captain Pugwash. Which was ironic because it's really what Lia looked like. 

this here isn’t 'alf throwin' spell checker.

The song today was Girls want to have fun

Part 6 Alternative diary

 We were joined by a pod of dolphins today. West country dolphins. You could tell by the way they communicated ‘Ark at 'Ee Squeak’

We also posed in a range of hats that one of the sponsors sent us. They really must have hated us.
Though Charlie liked her hat. Though, she did not have any dress sense, to begin with 

After the weather got better and the seas got less wobbly we are nearing the point where we go up and stay up for a long while. So hopefully we not get lost.



. After getting lost once again we had to have words with Jess about her navigation skills. We have updated the gear with tarot cards, runes, a weather vane, and when all else fails a magic eight ball. So hopefully we will be back on track
Not only that. Lia forgot to pay the phone bill and also to be told that dial-up does not work where we are. So, we have invested in the top-of-the-range Nokia 6130 with a large extendable aerial. Which is long enough to dry washing on. And pick up radio Luxembourg from the past.

Today's song is The Beatles Yellow Submarine

Part 5 alternative diary

 Jess has realised much to her disappointment that Wales was discovered years ago.

Andrea is training Archibald to talk. He mostly says mine, mine mine!
Charlie thinks we seem to be lost because the land should be on the right of us and its on the left. Depending on where sitting on the boat. What’s left again? Ah, Port. No Steph, we don’t have any port or wine. Well, we may do, ask Andrea!
Charlie do we have port? Or cheese?
Did Lia bring a cheese aboard?


Bit of an emergency last night. Andrea discovered the bucket was missing, It was a bit choppy. In so many ways. Then discovered it upon Charlie’s head, after she found the port, wine and cheese. Thankfully the bucket was empty at the time.
The song today was the theme tune to Captain pugwash

We have decided to give the bucket a name inspired by Wilson in Tom Hanks Castaway. And decided on Mr. Runny grunts. Though, unlike Wilson. Mr. Runny Grunts does not have a happy face. 

Part 4 alternative diary

 After we had to stop at port due to the weather forecast warning us of large wobbly seas. We took some time and constructed  a sea shanty  

We are off for some rowing in a boat that does row
Row row, row and then row
Because you find if we didn’t our boat would go slow
Row row, row and then row

We are a team of some rowers. That row in a boat
Row row, row and then row
We are glad it’s a boat. For a car would not float
Row row, row and then row.

We are girls count of five and a random seagull
Row, row, row and then row
We don’t know the difference tween, stern deck and hull
Row row, row and then row

We don’t need a map, its left and up there
Row row, row and then row
We tend to get lost but really don’t care
Row row, row and then row

We want fairly calm seas and a nice gentle breeze
Row row, row and then row
We will only give up when we run out of cheese
row row, row and then row.

Part 3 alternative diary

Lia, our media person has decided we need a good sing-song or at least a good sea-inspired song list. So she has provided us with a list.
In truth after an hour of Charlie's rendition of ‘I am sailing by Rod Stewart, well.  Her voice could kill a whale. Which is what actually happened.

After a short stop at port mostly because the RSPCA wanted a quick word about what happened to the Whale. Charlie promises not to sing again. Unless we get a crave sushi. 


We set off in the along and up direction, though I think most people call it west. We did tell Jess to update her rare mint Viking sun compass and map which, was still made of sailcloth. Upon this map a warning ‘There be the Kraken’. I think she is trying the find Wales, which has not been discovered yet on that map.

The song today was Rock the boat by the Hues Corporation

A quick shout out to our budding explorers who are following us on land in a knackered blue campervan. If you see them on the side of the road, approach with caution and cake.  As they may be suffering from prolonged road rage, mostly aimed at Google maps and road diversions. 

part 2 alternative diary

 We have been rowing back the way we have just been. After an almighty cock up.  
After ending up at Southend of Sea,  we realised we turned left at the end of the Thames when we should have turned right. Thankfully it was downhill from there, so it was easy rowing. 

Not only that,  we have run out of things to play with eye spy. If the skipper Jess says S for sea once more, there may be a mutiny. 

Andrea has befriended the homicidal Seagull and called him Archibald. We have a feeling that Jess may have hidden the chocolate hobnobs.

Steph has decided to collect odd-shaped driftwood. We have a sneaky feeling she may be thinking of fashioning a raft.  

Archibald has stolen our calendar along with the chocolate hobnobs. We suspect Andrea trained him to do so.  This was annoying because we had to say sorry to Jess.
Skipper is lost. She won’t admit this even though Lia thought we sailed around the Isle of Wight twice.
The eyes spy game has improved. Charlie spied something beginning with S. Thankfully it was just a ship. SHIIIIIIIP!

After the ship incident, which freaked us out a bit we calmed down. Thankfully the captain of the Evergreen cargo ship knew how to do a four-point turn and missed us completely. Though it took him at least four days to complete it

part 2 Alternative diary

We are knackered, I have only rowed two days
And our bodies say they’re really not so game
We have chafing, and the friction on our thighs
have caused our underwear to burst right into flames

It stopped raining, but our feet and hands are stuffed
We have more wrinkles than a ruddy Mastiff hound
We are aching. And we think we are all lost
We’ve passed that bloody orange buoy a third time round

It’s too early, Set the silly clock for four
It’s been raining, then its thunder, and now hail
Lost my new hat, to a homicidal gull
While we were rowing through a ruddy ten-force gale

The crew

Thought I better introduce the crew. 

Jess the captain skipper

 When Jess is not rowing, she cycling. This is going to help her manage boats that float too close. And has learned some new hand signals, and she also enjoys outside activities. Running, playing in the park, and when no one is looking, looting through the bins at Asda.

Steph first mate 

Steph was originally for the USA, but we will let her off because she is married to a local. She is looking forward to rowing the gorgeous British coastal landscape along the way, but her opinion may change when she gets to Skegness. 

Andrea Harwood in charge of the food!

When she is not rowing Andrea is a mummy to a hoard of wee ones,  she is Irish. So, her hobbies tend to be pub based.
Andrea ran the length of the Lake District in a day. Mostly because Frozen was on the telly. And it took so many miles to stop hearing her kids sing let it go. 

 

Lia Evans, media whatsit 

Is a physiotherapist by profession, which gives her a perfect opportunity to pummel her teammates when they are annoying her
She has just finished a course on the history of torture in the middle ages and hopes it will be helpful

 
Charlie Cooper  general dogs body

Charlie is from Sussex. Her first boat trip happened on a small pond in the Village of Fletching. Which paved the way for her love of boats but fear of Geese.  Though she did her own back after forcing her mum and best friend to watch repeats of the Tweenies on the BBC for FIVE YEARS!!!

 .Go on! Click this I dare you.

The Alternative diary

Declaimer

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, business, events, and incidents are the products of the author’s weird imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, Alien or mermaid, or actual events is purely coincidental. 


Welcome to our Alternative diary. 

Our followers have been asking about our boat.
Our boat's name is the Nau’sea, she is a long boat.
Our power is mostly Oar-powered. Which is why it’s a row boat. I mean really, it’s a stupid question.



We have to filter seawater and it tastes dreadful which is why we only drink rum, or port or wine.
The Nau’sea has a George Forman grill, a toaster, and a microwave. None that actually now work due to an almighty bad mistake with the true length of the extendible power cord. Which is still plugged in somewhere in London 

For the moment we are living off our dry frozen meaty food foil pouches with Purina ONE stamped on them, a selection of label-free tins that Jess found in a bin behind Asda, and when all else fails. Cheese. 

A few of our followers have been asking what we did to prepare for this undertaking so we were at one with our quest, well we all had to undertake some exams

These include
1. Survival At Sea,
2. First Aid at Sea
3. Day Skipper
4. Coastal Skipper.


 The answers are
1. Don’t go to sea in the first place
2. Don’t hurt yourself
3. Sleep in the day
4. Keep away from land

News

 News, Today the girls will be appearing on the BBC. 
let's hope it's not under crime watch.

In just under five days, the girls will be setting off to do a silly around the UK. Not only that. They will be testing the waters so to speak and sending their data back to the Univesity of Portsmouth. Who will be doing all sorts of complicated stuff with test tubes and machines that go beep!.  Finding out how clean our seas are. Which will go towards bringing in changes that will benefit not only the sea but us all. 
They will be appearing on the BBC Today. South today. Southeast news about half way through

The alternative diary will happen the day they set off. And Real news on how they are going. 

The reason.

 The reason for this blog is.

Five girls, one boat hoping to get into the record boats for rowing around the UK
Meet the crew
Raising money to help clean the oceans. And with a major aim of getting into the record books. 

Plus

One mad writer friend who thinks that writing an alternative diary about the girls is a great idea. And has been encouraged by the rowers to do so.

Equals. 

Utter shenanigans. 


This is done totally tongue in cheek. And is nothing like what those wonderful ladies are like. Nor the amazing work they are undertaking. 

Good morning rowers

 Testing one to three.